What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 25.06.2025 01:25
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Ive learnt so much.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Why does my vagina always itch so badly after my periods?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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I waited trembling.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Im still living with it.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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Comes on , in middle age.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was 9 years of age.
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But, we were locked up after school.
Would this be the day?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
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All the time i was locked up.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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So, i spoilt her more .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
So whats the point in blame.
At what point did you realize it was the right time to leave your job?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My family never makes their pension either.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was very sick at this time too.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My life is so biszare .
One cannot live in the past .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I couldn’t, believe it.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I said to her
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We all went to grammer schools
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She married twice! .
I write beautiful poetry .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Especially a lifetime of it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She wouldn,t have been !
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I think the readers, may guess!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was scared of men, in general
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She loved him until the end.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I have no regrets .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But it wasn’t much.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
It was going to be , some day.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I could never make a relationship work though!
I never cut or harmed myself..
He knew the spot.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Why did i forgive my father ?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We were not on the streets..
I don,t even have a pension.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And i lived it daily.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Was to survive, this bastard.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
This is soul school!.
I will be 64.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Who then, do I blame.?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
When she asked me how she looked .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Put me off passion for life!!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She found it foreign!.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
What did i know ?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She was in good health!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I was seconnd youngest,